Inventing Memory: A Novel of Mothers and Daughters

Inventing Memory: A Novel of Mothers and Daughters

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My mother-in-law was mercurial at best, incredibly damaging and manipulative at worst and really despised me. She had my husband very young and was threatened by my not bending to her whims. He is an amazing, caring and resilient man. She is absolutely the best. I hope she makes good choices when she gets older but I will love her always no matter what. Tears as I was reading. The tears have less to do with our own complications and much more to do with the weight of it all. Now more contemporaries and the high drama is gone but still no relationship cuts to the quick more and I am so aware of that with my own daughter.

My mom was alway a full time stay at home mom and gave us such big and daily love. Without even verbalizing it I think I always assumed I would be the same. When I went back to work full time I was so worried about what that version of motherhood would look like.

A constant reminder of unconditional support and what that will mean for my own daughter. Yes giving babies up for adoption is always an option as well but for married women whose husbands wanted kids even though they were undecided or even opposed , that would likely not have been an available option for them. I agree, many mothers with children that are not their choice. And our country does such a shitty job of protecting mothers and children, of supporting them, especially WOC and poor women.

No paid parental leave. No national health insurance or paid child care. Thank you for posting this when you did, as I and clearly many others are just coming off a tough weekend of seeing others celebrating their lovely moms. My mom is a narcissist. Her love is conditional.

False memory syndrome

Reading every single comment here over the past day has been empowering and heartwarming. I relate. We had a very strained and, on my end, extremely distrustful relationship as I was growing up. It took a very long time I was 45! I can only change my own reactions to things, and my own perceptions of things. I am always jealous of women who write or talk about their positive, even friendly! I am working on that jealousy, but the pain of a mother who is physically present but emotionally abusive or absent is quite strong. Thank you for sharing your story and words. My mother is a narcissist too.

And so is this article. I live your life — except my mom has a victim complex — and came to some peace only recently — and I am 53 years old.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I will respect my mom and be polite, but love? There are so many heartfelt stories here. As a teenager I was always honest with my mother letting her know where I was. But I would never tell my father as he was a hard man. Onto my relationship with my daughters. We are all good friends and love each other dearly. My daughters are both in their 20s and I have to say I was an angry Mother when they were younger. It was a learnt action form my childhood. Which I eventually broke hoping my daughters will be more patient and calmer than I ever was.

A lesson learnt be all of us. I now teach them to be calm and always as happy as they can be as that is super important. We all try to learn from our mistakes. I have told my daughters in many levels I am sorry for the way I was and how proud I am of the beautiful loving caring ladies they are. I invented the mom I need.

When I am really down I closes my eyes and imagine a giant mother who can hold me the way I hold my babies. She tells me everything I need to hear.

It has been really wonderful. She loves me in the exact way I need, which is very different from the way my real mother is able to love me. I love this.

Women on the Verge | The New Yorker

Thank you for sharing. There is so much empowerment here and no victimhood. Do I even know myself as a mother or do I only know what I do not want to be and what I am striving for? Mothering is hard. In a way, we are the living memories of our parents and all they wanted for us. I have been trying to set down all these expectations and really listen, really be aware and present and forgive as much as I apologize. Just a few simple words can bring such relief and healing. The need to be seen and acknowledged runs deep.

Dear C, these words touched me very deeply.

I know my mother gave me more than she ever got, especially in terms of love and energy and attention, but so many patterns from her not so happy childhood persisted and continue to persist. Whilst she has so much more patience and empathy today, what I see as breaches of trust and a complete lack of patience and time for me as a child continue to colour the way I perceive our relationship. And the way that things always become centric to her and her positions even my wanting to have a child or adopting makes me so mistrustful that she has my best interests at heart.

Or that she even really knows who I am. At the same time, I know she wants the best for me — its all so complicated. So thank you for sharing, I wish you strength and positivity in your journey. I came back today to read more comments because this post has really stuck with me over the last 24 hours.

Holding you all in the light.

SiGeKo, Schadstoffsanierung, Gutachten und mehr

I did the exact same thing, and reacted in the exact same way. Telling the truth about our experiences is so important for ourselves. I always envied women who said their mom was their idol and best friend, I never knew what that was like. There was a lot of manipulation, guilt and shame in our home growing up, but thankfully we live in a world that provides a lot room for dialogue and awareness about those types of family situations.

Thank God for self-help books and therapy!! I wonder how many women have chosen not to have children because of how they were treated by their mothers, and fearful of turning into the same person with their children.

It was painfully obvious that my mom had children because that was the norm back then. I wryly joke with my husband that my dad wanted 4 children, my mom wanted 0, and they compromised with 2! Growing up, she picked my sister to be her favorite and they did best-friend type activities like makeup shopping and going to the movies.

As a child and teen I heard my fair share of stories of what she had to give up after I was born an amazing career, exotic travel, etc. Parents can really mess up their kids. I wish you healing and peace, thank you for sharing. May I offer a small suggestion? I tell my husband this all the time. I had a rough childhood. Still, I wish he could meet the person she used to be. This is exactly what I try to explain to my husband and family. As a new mom, I am committed to… almost obsessed with wanting to ensure that my daughter and I have a wonderful relationship and that she never feels like our relationship is lacking in any way.

Mom Invents Sightseeing Bucket List for Daughter Losing Her Vision

I love her so much. My Mom is a very kind person, but since my father died a few years ago, our relationship has changed. Our roles have reversed and I often find myself in the parent role of trying to soothe or reason with her. She just seems to want to mope and make me feel guilty.

Wishing you the best. You are not alone. WHen you lose one parent, you sometimes feel like you lose two. I definitely understand feeling guilty.

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Sending you hugs. What did she do to raise such a great daughter who clearly still adores her mom? I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old and often wonder what Jean would do in some of my tough parenting situations! This was a great article anyway — thanks. My mom was a great mother in so many ways. She put us first and told us, everyday, she loved us.

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