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A beautiful new hardback edition of the classic Discworld novel. Polly Perks had to become a boy in a hurry. Cutting off her hair and wearing trousers was easy. Buy Monstrous Regiment: A Discworld Novel New Ed by Terry Pratchett (ISBN: Monstrous Regiment: (Discworld Novel 31) (Discworld series) and over 2 million other . Paperback: pages; Publisher: Corgi; New Ed edition (1 Oct. ).
They felt odd, and strangely heavy for a little package of wool. Walking a little awkwardly, Polly went in to see what horrors breakfast would bring. She grabbed a sausage and a slab of bread and sat down.
You had to concentrate to eat horse-bread. Now you hardly ever saw anything else on the table, and there tended to be less and less of it, too. You needed time and good teeth to work your way through a slice of horse-bread, just like you needed a complete lack of imagination to eat a modern sausage. Polly sat and concentrated on chewing.
He nodded at Polly.
Was that him in the privy? I got back in just as Strappi started yelling and everyone started running around and rushing in and out. It could have been anyone. Do vampires use the privy? Well, do they? Has anyone ever dared ask?
Did you? Eyebrow kindly boiled some water for me. At the next table, Igor had obtained a sausage, presumably raw, from the kitchen, and was watching it intently. A couple of wires ran from the sausage to a mug of the horrible vinegary beer, which was bubbling. We had an Igor at home. Wonderful workers. Very reliable. Very trustworthy.
And, of course, so good at stitching things together, if you know what I mean. They like them to show. Ha, we had a servant once who had stitches all the way around his neck, and he was extremely proud of them. For a moment, Polly thought that the sausage moved. That means line up, you shower! That means you too, Parts! And you, Mr. On your feet! The corporal spun around. Fall in with the rest of them! Ah, I see the problem! I think I shall have to write to the Duchess and tell her she should ask for her money back!
What are you smiling about, Mr. Vampire sir? Useless, useless, useless. Any of you ever used a weapon? You have, Perks? My brother taught me a bit when he was home on leave, and some of the old men in the bar at home gave me some, er, tips. Old soldiers, on the whole, were on the easygoing side when it came to Abominations. Strappi drew his own sword. Just a little bit of fun, eh?
The world was full of Strappis. If you backed away from them, they only kept on coming. You had to stop them at the start. She sighed. It looked amazingly sharp. It must have been the socks talking.
Easily cut things. Oh, well. She ignored it, and watched his eyes, which was no great treat. That was the Strappi type through and through.
Every inn counted one or two among its regulars. Luck would run out, though, and if she looked like putting up a decent show, Strappi would sort her out good and proper. Strappi had to block it, and for a moment the swords locked. Polly reached out and grabbed his shirt. She stepped back quickly, slightly dizzy, with the saber at the ready.
Strappi had sunk to his knees, blood gushing from his nose. When he got up, someone was going to die. Panting, Polly appealed wordlessly to Sergeant Jackrum, who had folded his arms and was looking innocently at the ceiling. Got that from Gummy Abbens, Sarge. How is the evil old sot? All right, fun over. Go and put some cold water on that, Corporal, it always looks worse than it is.
That is an order.
A word to the wise. Strappi grunted. Jackrum looked at the rest of the recruits. Any of the rest of you boys ever held a stick? You had to admire the man. I carry it for protection, sir. Other people. Theirs, not mine. There was a thud behind them and a table overturned. Carborundum the troll sat upright, groaned, and crashed back down again. At the second attempt, he managed to stay upright, both hands clutching his head. Corporal Strappi, now on his feet, must have been made fearless by fury.
He headed for the troll in a high-speed strut and stood in front of him, vibrating with rage and still oozing blood in sticky strings. He brought him to one crusted eye and turned him this way and that. On your feet, Carborundum, and get in line. Upon my oath, you try that little trick one more time and there will be trouble, understand? There have been better attempts at marching, and they have been made by penguins.
All they did was march, but she was used to long walks and her boots were good. The trousers ceased to chafe.
A watery sun took the trouble to shine. She wondered how Strappi, whose nose was now about the same color as a plum, was going to handle the situation between them. And he was bewildered by Igor. His target of choice was Private Goom, better known as Wazzer, who was stick-thin and round-eyed and nervous and said grace loudly before meals. What you got instead was a sort of harsh gargling of spit at the back of the throat, a noise like ghnssssh. The presence of the man cast a damper on everything. Jackrum seldom interfered. He often watched Strappi, though, and once, when Polly caught his eye, he winked.
Well, here it comes. Point One, remember the town of Lipz? It was viciously attacked by Zlobenian troops a year ago! There was no fun in having a go at Shufti, but Wazzer, now, Wazzer was always worth a shout.