Zombie Ocean DRAFT
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Do you think he would even know the difference? No one is better at deteriorating the other team than Pollard. Just put Patriots jerseys on the zombies and it's game over. I'm going Aaron bad-man Rodgers. You need someone who can toss the grenades, and with him running the offensive I know we can run a read option with Percy, opening things up for the slower guys on our team. Did you know Rodgers didn't get a scholarship out of high school and considered going to law school, so yes not only is he the funniest guy on Twitter, but he's also smart.
Yeah, I'm taking Rodgers and a pack of Trojans or a couple of Playboys. I've already taken one retired player, and now I'm going to draft another. They say that people get wiser with age: my pick might not have gotten wiser, but rumor has it that he throws an amazing prison party!
It's a risky pick, yes, but I'm prepared to take the risk with his talent. He's already proven that he knows how to get away with murder, and this time, he won't even have to. He can kill zombies and not have to cover it up, or write a book about how he would have killed the zombie "if he had actually done it. Ray and O. I like that O. Evan is just trying to die. That's exactly what I was thinking. You need a tattoo artist to hook all you guys up with matching tats. Is your next pick going to be Donte' Stallworth, or is he not enough of a killer for y'all?
Zombie Hockey stick dies again
Ok, with my first back-to-back pick, I'm grabbing the house of spears. Suh and Allen are my enforcers and Allen will keep Suh in line if he loses his temper. Also, Suh is the only other player in this draft that falls under the Gronk rule: he's allowed to eat zombies. Couldn't be happier with my top two. With my next pick I'm taking Russell Wilson. He'll barely need any food since he's roughy the size of a hobbit, he's used to post-apocalyptic society having lived in North Carolina, and he has been described as everything from "very mature" to "a cult leader" on the leadership scale.
This is my guy. Good luck beating the Allen-Suh-Wilson trio. OK, I'm done taking retired players, time to take someone current. I'm going to draft Alex Smith. I'm not looking for a winner; I'm looking for someone who won't lose. Smith rarely loses games for his team mostly because he doesn't have the chance to win or lose the games, but you get the point.
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He knows how to sit back and relax when it's not his turn to do something cue Colin Kaepernick reference and he has the mind of a quarterback. Plus, he's a former 1 overall pick, so he knows how to be a target for the media, so if I ever need a decoy to get away, I'll send out Smith.
Sorry, bud, but there's a reason that I didn't take you first…or second.
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Listen, everyone knows I'm a trendsetter; that's why my team is going to be rocking the freshest gear, none of that Adidas crap because everyone knows it gets you hurt. I could've waited until the last round to make this pick because we all know Matt wasnt going to do it, but cue the Evan-Joe-Sam choir saying it was their next pick.
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This is supposed to be entirely about players, so let me pick the ultimate player: Joey Davenport. Look now everyone is going to try and say there are plenty of fish in the sea, then copy me, but that's just them basically saying I'm the greatest. Joey is arguably the best player in the Lingerie Football League, she's the hottest and my guys gotta reproduce… it's science, biology, addition by subtraction. College rules! I don't have Gronk, who would hog her, or Vonta, who won't know how to use her on the outside, or Ray, who'll bore her with the preaching.
And let's be honest, girls just don't dig the mullet anymore. Joey can cook too, how else do you get the poison out of the meat? She can handle a ball, so I'm guessing that translates into multiple other areas. Give me the ring now. Thats either brilliant or incredibly stupid. Do you really want a pregnant chick slowing you down? I'm going with Darren Sproles.
He's going to provide a lot of versatility alongside my two musclemen Gronk and Willis. At 5'6", he can get into those hard to reach places, and easily hide if necessary.
And if the sight of little Sprolesy riding into battle on Gronk's shoulders doesn't scare those zombies, I don't know what will. I'm really not sure why no one has taken this guy yet. He may be the sleeper of this draft.
I'm going to take Tim Tebow. I'll keep this short for Barbosa. Like Leach, Tebow will be able to plow through zombies like nobody's business. Also, he has God on his side, so how can I lose?
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It really is the only logic to explain his playoff season in Denver. Based on Tebow's immense luck, we will find the promised land. In Biblical terms, Tebow is our Moses. The best part about this pick is if Tebow's luck doesn't work out and I'm tired of listening to him ramble on about stuff I don't want to listen to, I can decide to sacrifice him over Brady. We all have to account for the fact that we will most likely become close with this team and we need at least one player who we can be able to say, "Well, he was annoying anyways, good riddance" when they die.
Based on all of the zombie movies out there, it is statistically unlikely that your entire team will last. Even if you make it out alive, do you want to deal with PZSD post-zombie stress disorder? I know I don't. Thank you Tim Tebow. It could be a Noah's Arc type of deal where your group of marauders is the Earth's last hope.
Only the animals don't matter. For my next pick, I am taking this guy. The picture should say it all, but of course I'll say more. Any guy who willingly smacks his face in with his helmet before a game is my kind of player. Owen Schmitt is scared of nothing. He eats zombies for breakfast.
I think the Rob Gronkowski rule needs to be renamed. I win; you lose. Everyone's seen what he can do on the field, but when the zombie apocalypse comes, keep this on your mind.
October 2, Delaware State Police arrested a Frankford man Sept. The mean is what counts. A court case coming in NZ. If so, tell me who, and I will pay attention to them rather than Hansen. If modern warming is within the parameters of recent past climate variation then modern warming has to be assumed to be natural, since modern warming is, by definition, not anomalous and therefore requires no special explanation.
If Clay gets that amped about a guy just trying to buy cleats, how pumped will he be to destroy some zombies? My next pick is high school football LeBron. We all know what he's become, but Lebron in high school scored 23 touchdowns, ran a 4. He and Aaron Rodgers will create the nastiest Zombie lob city ever. No one's catching my team. Just call us Gilbert Arenas's run-and-gun offense. This is pre-title LeBron we're talking about. Even if he isn't scared, he can only give you three quarters of a good performance.
With my next pick, I'm going to go slightly more conventional. Although he's left the Steelers, team allegiances don't matter in a zombie apocalypse.
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Welcome to the squad, James Harrison! If you have any questions why I picked him, take a look at this or just watch any highlight reel that you can find of him.
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The man will protect this squad and be a perfect complement to Ray Lewis. With my 4th pick, I'm grabbing Hines Ward. That's right, look it up, he was an extra.
He knows how they think, he gives us a window into their psyche. With my 5th player pick, instead of taking a warrior, I'm going to take a soldier. Yes, I'm picking Kellen Winslow Jr. I choose Pat Tilman because he's a far better person than he'll ever be a football player. With that said, he was still one of the best safeties in the NFL when he left. In trying times like these when you have a bunch of zombies trying to chew your face like Bazooka bubble gum you need a hero.
Pat Tilman is our hero. For my final pick, I am taking a page out of Evan's book and picking a retired player. The funny part is he could probably still play if he wanted to.
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